Two important milestones since I last wrote: (1) I processed a black and white film roll and I am beyond in love of how it turned out, (2) I usually find myself daydreaming and very much looking forward to a possibility of a lovely, bright, and colorful future — and how I'm in love with it even before it comes. I know. Two different things on opposite sides of the spectrum — one, which may lack in color but still brings me too much joy; the other, which is so lively and bright. The irony that I didn't know I needed at this point in my life.Since I began exploring film photography, I have processed three rolls so far. Unfortunately, the first roll was disappointing due to overexposure, and this was particularly disheartening because it captured the memories of my one-month trip to Western Europe. If that one turned out to be the way I expected it to be, I know there were a lot of good photos (and bittersweet memories) on that roll. Perhaps it's just telling me to go back to Western Europe and try again. Lol. The one following that is an improvement, but it lacks stories, it lacks depth — which is what I want for my digital photos. That' when I decided to switched to black and white film because I thought that the subdued color would at least tell a story — and to my amusement, it did!
Almost August and though I can say that physically I am still here, if I count all the progress I've made in reaching my goal so far, I would say that I am nearly the end of it. This makes me feel too many emotions at once — excitement, happiness, relief, fear, and some other emotions that I cannot describe. I am so ready for this and I want to embrace it fully. To prepare myself, I've been doing some reading, connecting with people, and immersing myself with photographs of what could possibly lies ahead. These simple and innocent visuals are telling me how colorful life can be. While I deeply appreciate the artistry of black and white film, when it comes to leading my life, I wholeheartedly choose to embrace the richness of color, the reverse monochrome.
Our brain is engineered to store memory — be it a recollection of something we want to remember or not. For some, it's a blessing. For some, it's a curse. I'm caught in between. How many months has it been? How many relentless moons? How many arduous sunrise? Too many, yet will I be able to forget it? Do I want to?
The tram. The arc. The central square. The monument. The traffic light. The pedestrian lane. The water. The nervousness. The excitement. The uneasiness. Back to the traffic light. The pedestrian lane. The car. The backseat. The dog. The right side of your face. Your right jaw. Your face. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh. The walk. The dog. The poop. The laughter. The coffee. The stories. The teasing. The camera. The photos. The walk. More stories. The drive. More teasing. The flat. The books. The drive. The night. My name. The restaurant. The food. The wine. The music. Ohh the music. The photos. The past. The apologies. Your hands. My hands. Your lips. My hands. The future. Your lips. My hands. Your eyes. Ohh your eyes. The restaurant owner. The future. The door. And then your lips. My lips. Your hands. My hips. Your lips. My lips. Your hands. My face. The yellow light. The desire. The whisper. My lips. Your lips. Your hands. My hands. The car. My name. The flat. The gaze. Your lips. My lips. Your hands. The back of my neck. Your hands. My face. The breathing. The gasp. Then the urgency... The desire... The shoes. The sheets. The belt. The darkness. Your silhouette. The sculpture. Your whisper. The question. The answer. The connection. The exchange. The apex. More gasps. The sweat. The intimacy. The talk. The dream. The present. The drift off. The sunrise. The alarm. The black shirt. The shower. The coffee. Your lips. My forehead. Your lips. My lips. The car. The central square. The car door. Your voice. Your smile. The promise. Your laugh. The car. The central square. The monument. The arc. Your memories.
I consider myself to be someone who values efficiency and getting things done in an optimized manner. To be able to do so, I often multitask. For instance, I make sure to turn on the coffee machine before I start toasting a bread, so they finish around the same time. Similarly, I like to start the rice cooker before taking a shower, ensuring that the rice is cooked by the time I'm done. I do grocery shopping online. I use a pickup and delivery service for my laundry. I hire services that would save me some time and focus on more important tasks.
My friends often see me as someone who's always on the go and doesn't like to slow down — someone who tends to operate at a faster pace compared to others in our circle. In turn, I am also that someone who's more susceptible to burnout, but also the fastest to bounce back. Always on the move. Restless.
Slowing down, I discovered, is such a luxurious way of living. It is precisely this kind of luxury that I both desire and require at this point. I have learned that rushing through tasks is not the sole means of maximizing productivity in a day. Adopting a slower, more deliberate approach to things brings the same benefit — with an added bonus of calmness.
Here's how I embrace slow living lately...
- Running. Well, running always brings me peace. When my head is full of thoughts, running helps create mental space. I often take advantage of it, as I become more mindful, running gives me something more than I thought it could.
- Meditation. This is something I have yet to master. As a naturally anxious person (lol), meditation and breathing exercises calm me. However, if I feel alright, I don't engage in it, which leads to a loss of the discipline I strive to maintain. I have always known to be someone who has trouble sleeping as well — with or without coffee so might as well have some (lol). I discovered that doing meditation before bedtime helps me fall asleep faster than usual.
- Reading a book + coffee. Working remotely for almost four years has created a bad habit of waking up just a few minutes before work, leaving no time to enjoy the morning. Recently, I've been breaking this bad habit by waking up earlier than usual to read a book and have a cup of coffee. Ahhhh, such a calming feeling.
- Longer showers. Yes, I sometimes rush through showers because my mind constantly drifts towards unfinished tasks, such as work and school-related matters. Taking longer showers while mindfully using good-quality bath products has become a source of enjoyment for me.
- Me time. Ohh, how I love the period after work, dinner, and the end-of-the-day shower when I can finally sit down, light a candle (or three, lol), perform my skincare routine, play soothing music, and indulge in reading once more. I lie in bed with Pancho and Pluto, simply enjoying the comfortable silence. I believe this perfectly embodies the concept of Danish hygge.
More soon. X
Monday night. Rain pouring relentlessly. Total darkness relieved by the scented candle. U2's With or Without You is playing. Pancho and Pluto beside me, both asleep. Can it get any better than this? Even though a cup of perfectly brewed coffee would complement this mood, sleep has eluded me for days, so adding caffeine to my system won't help. Plus, I'm still anxiously waiting for something, so with an anxious heart and restless mind, I try to write.
I find myself on a routine lately — work and study on weekdays and go out with Pancho and Pluto on weekends. It sounds plain and stagnant because it is, but with all what's happening, I think this is the stability I need for now. So... in a nutshell...
- Work is still the same. I've been working for the same company for almost three years now — the longest I've managed so far. I find myself in a place with no enough room for growth, and that's what exhausts me. Nonetheless, I brave it everyday. I'm just grateful that with all the lay off in tech, I still have a decent paying job that I can do remotely.
- Graduate school is a little bit manageable this term, maybe because I learned my lesson from the previous term and only bite what I can chew this time. I decided not to enroll capstone this term and only enrolled to Network Security and Application and Data Security. It's more manageable, leaving me extra time for myself (as evident by writing this post lol).
- I am no longer built for Manila. When I was getting my bachelor's degree and preparing for board exam, I commute to Manila almost everyday. I don't know what energy I had then, but it's clear I don't possess that now. I recently went to Manila to get my engineering license authenticated and visited La Salle for some paperworks — in a private vehicle, I wasn't even driving, but I was beyond tired. The traffic. The people. Manila itself. Exhausting.
- As I am soon to move into a new place, part of my daily routine is to decide which things to bring with me, to dispose, to sell, or to leave at my mom's place. Now I understand the concept of minimalism and I wish I adopted it a long time ago. Lol. I have grown attached to most of them, especially to the ones I invested to bring me comfort. I'm going to miss this work table so much, my mini bar, my plants, my books.
- "I don't think people understand how hard it is when your toxic trait is self-isolation and avoidance, but your love language is physical touch and quality time."
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