Caffeine Deprived

June 12, 2023

Monday night. Rain pouring relentlessly. Total darkness relieved by the scented candle. U2's With or Without You is playing. Pancho and Pluto beside me, both asleep. Can it get any better than this? Even though a cup of perfectly brewed coffee would complement this mood, sleep has eluded me for days, so adding caffeine to my system won't help. Plus, I'm still anxiously waiting for something, so with an anxious heart and restless mind, I try to write.

I find myself on a routine lately — work and study on weekdays and go out with Pancho and Pluto on weekends. It sounds plain and stagnant because it is, but with all what's happening, I think this is the stability I need for now. So... in a nutshell...

  • Work is still the same. I've been working for the same company for almost three years now — the longest I've managed so far. I find myself in a place with no enough room for growth, and that's what exhausts me. Nonetheless, I brave it everyday. I'm just grateful that with all the lay off in tech, I still have a decent paying job that I can do remotely. 
  • Graduate school is a little bit manageable this term, maybe because I learned my lesson from the previous term and only bite what I can chew this time. I decided not to enroll capstone this term and only enrolled to Network Security and Application and Data Security. It's more manageable, leaving me extra time for myself (as evident by writing this post lol). 
  • I am no longer built for Manila. When I was getting my bachelor's degree and preparing for board exam, I commute to Manila almost everyday. I don't know what energy I had then, but it's clear I don't possess that now. I recently went to Manila to get my engineering license authenticated and visited La Salle for some paperworks — in a private vehicle, I wasn't even driving, but I was beyond tired. The traffic. The people. Manila itself. Exhausting. 
  • As I am soon to move into a new place, part of my daily routine is to decide which things to bring with me, to dispose, to sell, or to leave at my mom's place. Now I understand the concept of minimalism and I wish I adopted it a long time ago. Lol. I have grown attached to most of them, especially to the ones I invested to bring me comfort. I'm going to miss this work table so much, my mini bar, my plants, my books. 
  • "I don't think people understand how hard it is when your toxic trait is self-isolation and avoidance, but your love language is physical touch and quality time."

Quick update on my music — Radiohead's Creep is now playing as I wrap up this post. More soon. X

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